I wish that someone would find me, and tell me that everything's going to be alright.
I've always been the girl with a boyfriend, someone inevitably stepping up from the shadows every time I had outgrown my current beau. That sounds worse than it ever was, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm always the one that leaves. Now this doesn't stop me from feeling pain, I remember my first boyfriend in college had his hooks in me deeper than anyone ever had, but we dated for two years, there were so so many memories together. Our lives revolved around each other for so long, I thought that no one could hurt me more than he did, leaving me a chain smoking shadow of a girl crying and hyperventilating in between taking copious amounts of bong hits. I was never so wrong in my life. That, in comparison seems so tame, something that was supposed to happen, something that allowed me to grow as a person. That was someone I actually shared my life with.
But then there was Jackson. I had after josh, dated this guy Zack for a year. We had been broken up for months, and I had been enjoying my freedom quite a bit, had the sexiest fuck buddy I ever could have asked for, and a few other occasionally on the side. This all in all was, alright but still pretty unsatisfying. I was being forced to support myself emotionally for the first time really, in years, and that did make me feel, though i was happy to be getting laid, lonely. These people, weren't really a part of my life, they were just a temporary character here for a few weeks, a few nights, before I moved on, stopped calling.
It was the end of July, I was working a shitty job, and I get this message on okay cupid that sparks some interest in me. We talked for a while, exchanged interests, we both loved acid and so he asked me if I wanted to trip with him. I did possibly, the stupidest thing i've ever done in my life later that week, I met him at my house after work and candyflipped with him. It was comfortable, we sat and talked, and smoked cigarettes on my balcony, and talked more. Everything was beautiful and though I wasnt immediatly taken with him, something about him just made me want to know everything. Eventually we were lying down watching the walls breath and the light create the most beautiful patterns in the middle of my room, when he kissed me. From there, everything just dissolved into this beautiful night of ridiculous sex and dense pillow talk. I wasnt hooked, i knew i had an amazing time, but i was actually worried that he would get more attached to me than i would to him, that it was just in my nature.
But it was like, he was made for me. After the next time I saw him, that was it. He messaged me every morning, and every night, he was affectionate and just completely swept me off my feet. Being around him, i just remembered in a flashback my mother telling me, that I would just know. When I met the one I would know. I dont know why, having known him for two weeks by then, but I just felt so, intensely, something was different about the way he made me feel. The intensity of how much my whole, body, soul, ached for him, any smell, sound, text, anything, just jackson. I kept my mouth shut, i enjoyed what i had, it was about this time he told me how this had to be a short liason. He lived an hour away and diddn't have the gas money when he was in school, and was scared i would throw his focus off. Still though, he held me tighter, told me he wasn't afraid If I loved him, that he loved me too. I'm so scared now that, paranoid that something was a lie. Every memory is so bittersweet, but so precious, it hurts so bad to recall them though. I know that living in the past, is going to kill me but something is keeping me from moving on.
Eventually, some switch turned about two weeks before school, and he started ignoring me. when i confronted him about it he told me he was distancing himself so it would hurt less when we had to stop it, even though he said he would still be here, i said i would still be here. He let me think i could still be there, he smiled and nodded and comforted me. But he ran away, So i told him to leave, fuck him. And then for the first time in my life i felt despair so intense, it was like a bad trip. I actually started seeing a therapist after this, and then got put on medication for anxiety and depression.
He did though, come back eventually, telling me he missed me, wanted to see me. But nothing was going to change, he couldn't make me happy. I fed into it for about a week before tearing myself away and telling him we couldn't ever be friends again, and that we needed to go our separate ways. I still think about him, thought i don't want anything from him, i just still get washed over with pain and bitterness, and some emotions I cant even properly describe.
Everything else in my life is wonderful, my teachers love me, i love them, my grades are fantastic, i have awesome friends and a decent family. But, I still feel so sad all the time, I still fucking think about him all the time. I'm angry now, so angry at him, angry at myself, its all just this ball of intensity inside me i cant seem to displace.
Its been a few months, and ive been on some dates, i'm lonely as fuck. I'm still angry, I'm still in pain, and I still feel broken. The time I get between feeling super low is getting a little longer, but I think that's just because I can distract myself with school when I'm out, on campus, in class etc. But almost everyday I come home to my empty apartment and curl up in my empty bed, and try and fall asleep faster than my nostalgia can kick in.
I think I know what the road to healing looks like, but tonight I'm just fighting the urge to send him a message, just ask him to tell me if anything was a lie, like that would give me closure. I think it would, but then again seeing a response, fresh words, who knows what that would do to me, and its pretty terrible to make such drastic decisions at one in the morning,....
At the very least I'm compromising by writing this, and hoping that someone might be able to give me advice, or at least tell me that things will get better. That I can make myself better.