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A broken heart heals [29 Mar 2012|02:24am]

It gets better. Just know that.
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[26 Jan 2012|01:19pm]



Available in my shop at Etsy.com ♥
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I couldn't have ever imagined [26 Nov 2011|01:14am]

[ mood | distressed ]

I wish that someone would find me, and tell me that everything's going to be alright.

I've always been the girl with a boyfriend, someone inevitably stepping up from the shadows every time I had outgrown my current beau. That sounds worse than it ever was, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm always the one that leaves. Now this doesn't stop me from feeling pain, I remember my first boyfriend in college had his hooks in me deeper than anyone ever had, but we dated for two years, there were so so many memories together. Our lives revolved around each other for so long, I thought that no one could hurt me more than he did, leaving me a chain smoking shadow of a girl crying and hyperventilating in between taking copious amounts of bong hits. I was never so wrong in my life. That, in comparison seems so tame, something that was supposed to happen, something that allowed me to grow as a person. That was someone I actually shared my life with.

But then there was Jackson. I had after josh, dated this guy Zack for a year. We had been broken up for months, and I had been enjoying my freedom quite a bit, had the sexiest fuck buddy I ever could have asked for, and a few other occasionally on the side. This all in all was, alright but still pretty unsatisfying. I was being forced to support myself emotionally for the first time really, in years, and that did make me feel, though i was happy to be getting laid, lonely. These people, weren't really a part of my life, they were just a temporary character here for a few weeks, a few nights, before I moved on, stopped calling. 

It was the end of July, I was working a shitty job, and I get this message on okay cupid that sparks some interest in me. We talked for a while, exchanged interests, we both loved acid and so he asked me if I wanted to trip with him. I did possibly, the stupidest thing i've ever done in my life later that week, I met him at my house after work and candyflipped with him. It was comfortable, we sat and talked, and smoked cigarettes on my balcony, and talked more. Everything was beautiful and though I wasnt immediatly taken with him, something about him just made me want to know everything. Eventually we were lying down watching the walls breath and the light create the most beautiful patterns in the middle of my room, when he kissed me. From there, everything just dissolved into this beautiful night of ridiculous sex and dense pillow talk. I wasnt hooked, i knew i had an amazing time, but i was actually worried that he would get more attached to me than i would to him, that it was just in my nature. 

But it was like, he was made for me. After the next time I saw him, that was it. He messaged me every morning, and every night, he was affectionate and just completely swept me off my feet. Being around him, i just remembered in a flashback my mother telling me, that I would just know. When I met the one I would know. I dont know why, having known him for two weeks by then, but  I just felt so, intensely, something was different about the way he made me feel. The intensity of how much my whole, body, soul, ached for him, any smell, sound, text, anything, just jackson. I kept my mouth shut, i enjoyed what i had, it was about this time he told me how this had to be a short liason. He lived an hour away and diddn't have the gas money when he was in school, and was scared i would throw his focus off. Still though, he held me tighter, told me he wasn't afraid If I loved him, that he loved me too. I'm so scared now that, paranoid that something was a lie. Every memory is so bittersweet, but so precious, it hurts so bad to recall them though. I know that living in the past, is going to kill me but something is keeping me from moving on.

Eventually, some switch turned about two weeks before school, and he started ignoring me. when i confronted him about it he told me he was distancing himself so it would hurt less when we had to stop it, even though he said he would still be here, i said i would still be here. He let me think i could still be there, he smiled and nodded and comforted me. But he ran away, So i told him to leave, fuck him. And then for the first time in my life i felt despair so intense, it was like a bad trip. I actually started seeing a therapist after this, and then got put on medication for anxiety and depression.

He did though, come back eventually, telling me he missed me, wanted to see me. But nothing was going to change, he couldn't make me happy. I fed into it for about a week before tearing myself away and telling him we couldn't ever be friends again, and that we needed to go our separate ways. I still think about him, thought i don't want anything from him, i just still get washed over with pain and bitterness, and some emotions I cant even properly describe. 

Everything else in my life is wonderful, my teachers love me, i love them, my grades are fantastic, i have awesome friends and a decent family. But, I still feel so sad all the time, I still fucking think about him all the time. I'm angry now, so angry at him, angry at myself, its all just this ball of intensity inside me i cant seem to displace. 

Its been a few months, and ive been on some dates, i'm lonely as fuck. I'm still angry, I'm still in pain, and I still feel broken. The time I get between feeling super low is getting a little longer, but I think that's just because I can distract myself with school when I'm out, on campus, in class etc. But almost everyday I come home to my empty apartment and curl up in my empty bed, and try and fall asleep faster than my nostalgia can kick in. 

I think I know what the road to healing looks like, but tonight I'm just fighting the urge to send him a message, just ask him to tell me if anything was a lie, like that would give me closure. I think it would, but then again seeing a response, fresh words, who knows what that would do to me, and its pretty terrible to make such drastic decisions at one in the morning,.... 

At the very least I'm compromising by writing this, and hoping that someone might be able to give me advice, or at least tell me that things will get better. That I can make myself better.

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Why can't I just forget you? [26 Oct 2011|08:18pm]

[ mood | gloomy ]

[[ So a little inside on this. I wrote this when I was getting over my depression. I actually thought I was fully recovered. Guess I wasn't... My ex just wouldn't leave my mind. I strived to be near him. To hear his voice. To just see him, as I started losing my memory of his face, hair.. I thought that blocking him out of my life would help.. I just lost a amazing friend that way.. I wish I could just be that to him now. Even now my mind sometimes roams back to him. Not feelings of love but of friendship. I wish I could tell him how much regret I feel or how sorry I am. My biggest regret is hurting him. He who did nothing. But I was led falsly, by horrid lies and I chose to believe them more than my own love. My first Love.
Letting it out. Needing too. I needed to let it out in some way. But After I did, I felt a lot better. Relieved. So this is what I wrote in the darkest of my depression. (excuse my punctuation. I wanted it to seem like I was speaking. Pausing with the periods) ]]

These tears. I'm tired of holding them in. Tired of covering it with a smile. Tired of showing you how much I'm happier without you. It's a lie. It's an illusion. It's a play.
And I'm the actress. The one who has to go everyday with that smile. Pretend like I'm not dieing. Pretend as if I can fall in love again.
That word. I can't stand. It's just a lie. Words you say cuz of the moment. But don't mean. Words you think are real. You feel as if they are. But then they just throw you away. Toss you aside. And who do I have to blame but myself. I knew you could get better. So I had to let you go. I knew I would get boring, so I need to let you explore other people. It was what was best. For you.
For me? No. I tried to fall in love again. I've tried to forget about love. I've tried to be who I was before. But I just can't. Where'd she go? The independent "I don't need a man to please me." girl I use to be. Where is she? Why can't I find her?
And no one can relate. No one has been through what you and I have been through. 3 years of my life. You were there when I needed to leave my home. When I needed someone to yell at. When I needed to break down and cry. We both tried to stay friends but our emotions got the best of us. And we got together. And now. This is exactly what I feared. I never wanted to date you. I never wanted to have these memories. Moments. None of it. Because I knew I would miss it to much. And I knew no one could make me feel this way but you.
There's always an end to a relationship. And that was ours.
Comparing other guys to you. No one can match up. Lies. If only I gave them a chance instead of pushing them away. Everyone.
So now your off, and I'm still waiting in the past. Still waiting for something I know won't come back. Why do I choose to hurt myself by staying here? I know I won't gain anything. So why do I stay in my memories? I was never like this. But you affected me so much. You were such a big part of my life. My Firsts.
My first love. They say you can never forget them. I guess its true. So I stay in the past. Hating you. Hatred for meeting you. Hatred for you being there for me. And It all builds up til I start crying. You cheated. And now I know its not true. Ha. I'm so stupid for trusting her...but she wasn't the cause of my actions. I did and said nasty things to you for believing those lies. And you still came back. And I still pushed you away
Regret. This regret I will always have to live with. I hate you for coming back to me. I hate you for being everything to me. I hate you for the love you gave me. I despise you.
So why can't I get over you?
Why can't I move on?
Why can't I ever be truly happy?
I'm the one who ended it. Your the one who was hurting. I dated others to get over you. And you just watched as I kissed someone else. Meaningless kisses. Haha. It's funny. I use to always tell you about those kisses when you were dating someone else. And how you shouldn't kiss her if you really didn't like her. It was like my motto. Ironic huh? Ha.
So it's been months. At one point you tried to kill yourself. You hurt the people around you. And I just snarled and wouldn't listen. Even though i was dieing to come back to you.
But hey I did the same. Taking it out on others that really didn't deserve it. Hurt them too, Or so it seems.
And now? No. I don't want you back. You've become a jerk. Hehe. Guess I'm the one to blame for making you act fake. For building an even harder shell around you. I broke your heart and stepped on it when your guard was down. You never let people in...and I was the first. And I shattered you.
I wish I could tell you I'm sorry. But. It's too late. I waited too long.
It's the third month since our break up. And I feel happy. Like I finally got over you. Like I finally let you go.
I walked to the mirror. Untied my ponytail. And I see tears sparkle in my eyes. And as I blinked. One fell. I touched the soft moisture. I was so happy. Why was I crying now.. Then the image of you flashed into my head.
Why can't I just forget you?

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За кого ты выйдешь замуж? [07 Jul 2010|01:03pm]
За кого ты выйдешь замуж?
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I'm tired of being single. [28 Jun 2010|12:47am]

I am 28 years old and single for the past five years. With the concept of relationships and marriage being shoved into my face daily, I feel a need to rant and get this off my chest.

I'm tired of waking up by myself. I roll over and realize that there's nobody on the other side to cuddle with. I sigh and wander into the kitchen.

I'm tired of making meals for one and eating by myself. I turn on the tv for some noise, but it's not the same as having a conversation. But still, it's better than nothing.

I cuddle my cat Morgan on the couch. I sigh, feeling grateful that I have someone furry on my lap, but it's not the same as having a boyfriend.

Several things happen to me during the day and I have nobody to talk about it with when I get home. I turn on the computer, but most of my friends had moved on with their own lives without me. I feel left behind.

I'm tired of being the 3rd wheel. I act like it doesn't bother me when I'm with people, but it's another reminder that I'm really alone.

I'm tired of going to social gatherings and feeling left out, even by my own family.

I'm tired of people saying that I'll meet someone soon. The possibility of having a second chance feels so far away that it feels like it simply won't happen.

I'm tired of seeing my friends getting married. When will it happen to me?

I'm tired of walking to the park, seeing a musical, a play or some other event on my own. It would be more fun with someone right beside me.

I'm tired of coming home to an empty apartment. The sadness, emptiness, and anxiety hits me quick and I have little or no control over these ill feelings. I'm prone to mental breakdowns.

I’m tired of eating dinner alone, on the floor, in front of the TV. My kitchen table gets no use. There’s no need for setting it when it’s just me eating there.

I’m tired of cooking for one. Which usually means I make too much and either throw the rest out or try to freeze it. But then I have no one to remind me that I have leftovers, so it just goes bad anyways.

I’m tired of unwinding by myself. My couch isn’t nearly as comfortable without someone to cuddle with.

I’m tired of going to bed alone. The bed is always exactly as I left it. My side untucked, the other side tucked. It’s clear that only one person has slept there. And only one person will sleep there again tonight.

I'm tired of battling depressing and suicidal thoughts almost daily.

I'm tired of being unable to share my life with someone.

I'm tired of being unable to help someone or share my ideas and advice with them and listen to theirs.

I'm tired of being unable to play board games and camping games with someone.

I’m tired of being single

God, when will you give me my perfect mate?
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[06 Mar 2010|03:07pm]

As usual, I've been feeling rather frustrated with the male gender lately and I decided to keep most of my venting behind private doors. I still feel very confused about where I stand in relationships between wanting one and not wanting one. Yet at the same time I get upsetting feelings every time I hear people talk about the subject from across the internet. It's not that I'm jealous but I'm worried that my first relationship with my ex boyfriend might be the only relationship that I'll ever have in life. I'm also worried that I may never get to find out what love is really like. It's bad enough that I'm naive and left in the dark about it. How can I grow as a person if I can't move on without experiencing something positive about love? Will I become bitter and angry all over again if I remain single for the rest of my life? The very thought of that is scaring me and it's happening to me already. It's getting to the point now where I just want to give up, locking myself in a windowless room with novels that don't revolve around that damned subject.

There must be someone out there who can show me the truth... before it's too late.
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Here goes nothing. [09 Jan 2010|04:01am]

[ mood | disappointed ]

Here goes.

No-one will read this anyway, so I can ramble freely.

I'll start off with a stupid question - why do love, lust, feelings, relationships, boys and girls, and all of the accompanying stuff have to be so hard?

Stuck in a dead-end relationship as far as I'm concerned, though the g/f of eight months might disagree. Not going to carry out a character assassination of the girl here, that just wouldn't be right. However, any feelings that make up a romantic relationship I had for her are now gone.

About two months ago, I finally decided to ask out a girl from the year below me in College when I was there. (now at University.) Didn't get any luck, fine. I can take a knockback, as a student journalist, you get a bucketful of them.

This girl, who we'll call Sophie, was brilliantly intelligent, fabulously pretty, witty, very funny, basically everything I look for in a girl, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I maybe should not have wasted so long in waiting to get to know her and ask her out, but you make your decisions at the time and have to stick by them.

Nothing does hurt so badly like wanting someone so bad and knowing that you can't make them love you back. I'm not saying that I was in love with this girl, but over an eighteen month period, I got completely crazy about her.

I'd rather have went out with her, and got dumped, of course I would have, but that might have hurt more. Even with that possibility, I'd still trade it, every time. I'd have had great times with her, however short, but any possibility of that was just snuffed out like a cigarette end falling into a puddle. (I'm not going for girly metaphors/similes as this blog is girly enough.)

As of this minute, Sophie has deleted me from Bebo, Facebook etc. Now I can take that, even though I did nothing untoward aside from asking her out. However, it just seems sad that I can't tell her how much I care about her and if she ever needs anything, anything at all, I'll do my utmost to help her out.

So, my current relationship.

It should never have got this far, but it has. I should have broken it off weeks and months ago, but something came up. Something always comes up. If it wasn't meeting a family member, it was someone wasn't well, she had important things for her career to go through, it was coming up for Christmas/New Year/her birthday etc etc.

I wouldn't have cheated on her, had I got the go-ahead with Sophie - the timing was right to break up with her as well, but I felt guilty and vowed to give it my best shot. Two months on, I'm still with her, though I think she knows something's not right.

Just have to grit my teeth and bear it.

I can, and slightly do, blame my first relationship - not my first girlfriend - but relationship. I was madly in love with the first g/f, who we'll call Sarah, and things were great for a couple of months. Out the blue, I'm dumped while I'm still absolutely wild about her, so I was slightly depressed.

Understatement of the year - I was ****ing desolate. It took me the all of eighteen months to get over her and even now, I still think about her.

This is not a problem any more, however, I suspect there's a large part of my sub-conscious that says "It's not the same as it was with Sarah - and you know it." Nothing ever will be the same as it was with your first love, and I've accepted this, but it does make me think every now and again.

As for my current relationship, it's emotionally over for me, and it's not fair to keep my girlfriend going, but she's so crazy about me, it just seems tantamount to complete cruelty to break up with her. I can deal with guilt - I'm damn good at it, but this will be a learning curve for sure.

To wrap up, my relationships so far have been pretty awful at one point or another, with moments of good times in there as well. It's just the relationships I've missed out on that make me even more heartsick.


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[15 Oct 2009|11:23pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

It sounds like Hillary and Wesley's visit to my folks are going well. Even though I've been included during the times they went out and I went along, I can't help but somehow feel left out being way in the back by myself in dad's van. It was also very difficult to see Hillary and Wesley sitting together in front of me, talking and laughing. I just got very quiet, feeling a bit sad.

I looked at the empty spot next to me and sighed to myself, thinking: when am i going to get someone? It's been five years. The only guys I get to meet are the losers and the bad ones.

It will never happen. I just know it... Maybe I should just forget it. God was never that kind to me in the love department.


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Hatred. [10 Oct 2009|06:15am]
There are so many things I would like to say to you
If you ever talk to me again this is what I would say...
First you say "I guess you hate me now"
"No I don't.
I HATE the fact that I have to see your face in 1st period
I HATE it when you laugh and smile
Because you used to need me to cheer you up
I HATE how you made me feel like an idiot
I was head over heels for you
And for weeks you let me stay like that
For weeks you never told me
That you no longer feel the same way
Were you "too busy" to tell me?
Or did you just pity me?
But I don't want your pity
I don't want you to feel bad for me
I want you to feel HURT
The same way I do now
I HATE how you seem unphased
As if I was never in your life to begin with
Out of all the things I hate
I have never hated you
Do you know what I hate the most?
I hate that I still love you..."
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Dream Within Nightmare [06 Oct 2009|05:37pm]
[ mood | drained ]

In my life there's a lot of shit
but i never thought you'd be a part of it
you'd catch my tears when they would fall
but i never thought you'd be the source of 'em all

do you realize you've broken my heart?
do you see me here falling apart?
part of me wants you to and part of me wants to hide
something tells me that either way you wouldn't care if  i tried

i wish i could confront you with my bloodshot eyes
maybe then you will want to apologize
and take me back with a hug so hard
but it'd be too painful, i've already been scarred

it wouldn't feel the same
love turned to shame
you no longer love me, that is that
so why do i have the feeling it shouldn't be over yet?

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my story [05 Oct 2009|10:36pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i thought i was hidden on a shelf
i thought i would just collect dust
and then you came along
with your curious but innocent hands
i didn't think i'd want to open up to anyone
after what i've been through
that's right- i am a used book
my heart torn and returned
but i eventually opened up
i revealed to you my secrets
and my personal life
what was there to lose?
you were much different than the others
i made you a big chapter of my life
i thought you felt the same way
for weeks you urgently spent time with me
everytime we touched
it sent tingles down my spine
things soon changed
your friends became more important
making up excuses, but i'm not the only one who can read
i can read your mind and your signs
you left me on the shelf to watch
although you were the most caring
you did the most damage to me
returned my heart in the worst condition ever; forgotten
that's my story THE NOT-SO-END
because without you these pages, my life, is not complete....

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Non-apologetic at the time [13 Sep 2009|02:49pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I confess- I've fallen for a few guys before. I broke-up with each one of them for the same reason; I got bored. That reason seems some-what cruel and I want to explain that I am not that kind of person. I am a human like everyone else, a human who has needs, feelings, and desires. You know that feeling when you have a crush on a guy, but you're not sure if he likes you back? Well, I crave that feeling. I crave the feeling of thrill when his hand lightly touches mine. I crave the feeling when I look across the room and see him looking back at me. I crave that feeling that his smiles makes my smile wider and gives butterflies to my stomach. But unfortunately, once I confess to him, once we're together, once we have exchanged our hearts, I no longer carry those feelings. Sort of like: Mission Accomplished- BOOM it's over; just like that. But it's like once he's got me there's no reason to seduce me anymore, no reason to keep me going for him. That's why I move on even if he begs me to come back. I want someone who is different than that. I want someone who will try their hardest to make me fall for them over and over again- not just once; surprise me! I want someone who continues to give me those feelings and fill my desires even after we have confessed our love to each other. Because the confession isn't enough for me- I don't want it to be the end. I need my happily ever after.

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Abused Possession [13 Sep 2009|02:21pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

My heart is worn and torn
It's been passed way too many times
and to way too many people
All of the pieces are there
inside of my chest
taped together
like a first grade project
Now I have decided enough is enough
I will pack my heart away in a box
Surrounded by foam peanuts
and make it hard on myself
to open up to others
Until i find THE guy
the one prepared to take care
of my fragile, broken heart
and permanently glue it back together

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*Sigh* [03 May 2009|06:43pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

It's funny... When I was at church like last Sunday, I was praying for another chance to fall in love again and to do well in tech school, which is coming up really quick. Then for the first time in 5 years I run into my ex Derek at burger king. I was horrified when he asked me if he remembered me and started talking to me as if nothing happened and he didn't do anything wrong that made me break things off to begin with. Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend.

My stomach heaved and twisted. I felt like I was going to vomit. I knew he was in jail for some time after the break up and he looked stoned- I can see the blood shot eyes. And he asks me that like I should just forget about the things he's done to me five years ago including the cervical cancer scare? I pretty much told him that I am not looking for a boyfriend right now and I'm not ready for it, and the fact I didn't want one. He said goodbye to me and left.

While I feel at peace that I finally stood up for myself once again around him, I can't help but feel boiling anger inside of me. I had a perfect opportunity to call the cops for talking me into losing virginity against my will and for stealing things, but I didn't. I didn't kick him in the balls either- I should have. But instead I just told him that i didn't need him in subtle ways and he got the message.

I feel like I should have done more to keep him away... as I worry that he might start stalking me again. but my friend from sweden told me that it was raw power and he just respected me even more. Hearing that from him made me feel better but I still have a sour impression on love and that I don't want it ever again. Especially when I dealt with yet another verbally abused/controlled victim friend of mine... I really wish she'd get over her needy side and leave him- for her sanity sake.

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Beautiful Bruises. [25 Mar 2009|01:10pm]

[ mood | worried ]

I yearn for your touch now, more than ever
I crave the sight of you
I'm not ready to end this endeavor
I love how you leave me bruised.

how wondrous it feels to be marked by you
the beautiful colours on my skin
blending together, purple, yellow, blue
draw feelings of awe from within.

your hard and delicate touch
on my shoulder, my thighs, my mind
I long for those bruises so much
of your enchantment they remind.

I'll never again have the delight
of seeing your irreplaceable face
your mouth so cruel and your eyes so bright
no one can replace.

these beautiful bruises fading
but never the memory of you,
though it was you who was betraying
I thirst for nobody new.

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Letter. [11 Mar 2009|01:36am]

[ mood | rejected ]

Dear L,

I think i'm in love with you. It's almost destroying knowing that the feeling isn't mutual. The memories are too much for me to forget. 8 months later & i'm still thinking about you... all the time. It's crazy. Being in love is the only explanation I can think of as to why you're still in my head after all this time.

I miss your face. Your smell, your guitar, your dirty boyish charm, the way you say certain words, your lustful state, the way you held back & refrained from telling me how you really felt.

I know you never meant to hurt me, but you did. We went further than intended, didn't we? 
You were my escape. My escape from everything. When I was with you nothing else existed. We were almost stuck in time.

Then it happened, didn't it ? You found her and you lost me, on purpose. You threw me out of your head and replaced me with her.

You handed me back my very own heart and under inspection it was bruised and hurt. I don't know how to look after it so now it's breaking. I don't know what to do to fix it.
I've tried to feel the same about others as I felt about you. But I can't. No one seems to compare to you. Not even the ones who are perfectly matched to me.

I hate this feeling.
So I cut you out of my life.
Just like that. You're gone.
And now there's some kind of cliquéd empty space.
But at the same time, it's sort of makes things easier.
Maybe now I can get some of that 'closure' that strong people speak of.
See, you've made me realise I'm not a strong person like I thought I was.

I suppose I'd best thank you for giving me the best time of my life, so far.
I'm still young & I hope I find you again in the form of some other beautiful being.

Love, regret & spite,
Bekki x

P.S. I hope it's true that everything happens for a reason, otherwise you've probably ruined my life, or at least part of it.

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[09 Mar 2009|12:21am]

[ mood | crushed ]

What is wrong with me lately?

It seems like nearly all my friends have boyfriends now and they're leaving me behind and forgetting about me. I'm the last one single. Every time I hear about how happy they are in relationships, I start feeling extremely depressed inside and even sick. Then I feel angry and start wondering why god has never answered my prayers when I needed someone in my life more than anything as my world falls apart.

Then my Grandma dies in february. since then my moods had been insanely wild. I'd go from mellow to depressed in seconds. I become envious one minute, content the next. Pissed off one minute, calm the next. It's frustrating to deal with this and it's killing me inside. I even had to choke out the words "i'm happy for you" for my best friend to me when she was gushing about her new boyfriend craig. I felt like breaking down and crying after i said goodbye to her for the night.

I just don't know how to handle life anymore. If I'm meant to spend life alone having only one lousy boyfriend for 3 short weeks through my 27 years of life, I don't want to be here. I wish to close my eyes and never wake up again...

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*Sigh* [06 Jan 2009|11:14pm]

I feel so empty tonight and facebook is once again the cause of this feeling. I found myself browsing photos of old friends getting married and their first babies and felt something ache deep inside of me. I know why I feel so incomplete and fragmented. I wish I never found out.

...I also know that kind of life is never meant to be mine either. The life of having a normal family and raising one. It could be one of the keys that would make me happy in life too.

It doesn't matter how much I pray for these things to happen. It doesn't matter how much I believe and trust in God. It doesn't matter if I get therapy for social phobia or not. It's just not meant to be. I'm not meant for anyone to have and I'm not meant to be loved. I probably never was. Am I that unimportant?

I'm done daydreaming. I'm done hoping. I'm done praying for this waiting for an opportunity and trying to make myself not to expect such things. It would just hurt me more and more, reminding me constantly how meaningless life is. It's almost like a close door. What's even more frustrating is that I still don't know what God's plans are for me. I never will know either. I feel so naked.

Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life? I just have that feeling.
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