No-one will read this anyway, so I can ramble freely.
I'll start off with a stupid question - why do love, lust, feelings, relationships, boys and girls, and all of the accompanying stuff have to be so hard?
Stuck in a dead-end relationship as far as I'm concerned, though the g/f of eight months might disagree. Not going to carry out a character assassination of the girl here, that just wouldn't be right. However, any feelings that make up a romantic relationship I had for her are now gone.
About two months ago, I finally decided to ask out a girl from the year below me in College when I was there. (now at University.) Didn't get any luck, fine. I can take a knockback, as a student journalist, you get a bucketful of them.
This girl, who we'll call Sophie, was brilliantly intelligent, fabulously pretty, witty, very funny, basically everything I look for in a girl, mentally, emotionally and physically.
I maybe should not have wasted so long in waiting to get to know her and ask her out, but you make your decisions at the time and have to stick by them.
Nothing does hurt so badly like wanting someone so bad and knowing that you can't make them love you back. I'm not saying that I was in love with this girl, but over an eighteen month period, I got completely crazy about her.
I'd rather have went out with her, and got dumped, of course I would have, but that might have hurt more. Even with that possibility, I'd still trade it, every time. I'd have had great times with her, however short, but any possibility of that was just snuffed out like a cigarette end falling into a puddle. (I'm not going for girly metaphors/similes as this blog is girly enough.)
As of this minute, Sophie has deleted me from Bebo, Facebook etc. Now I can take that, even though I did nothing untoward aside from asking her out. However, it just seems sad that I can't tell her how much I care about her and if she ever needs anything, anything at all, I'll do my utmost to help her out.
So, my current relationship.
It should never have got this far, but it has. I should have broken it off weeks and months ago, but something came up. Something always comes up. If it wasn't meeting a family member, it was someone wasn't well, she had important things for her career to go through, it was coming up for Christmas/New Year/her birthday etc etc.
I wouldn't have cheated on her, had I got the go-ahead with Sophie - the timing was right to break up with her as well, but I felt guilty and vowed to give it my best shot. Two months on, I'm still with her, though I think she knows something's not right.
Just have to grit my teeth and bear it.
I can, and slightly do, blame my first relationship - not my first girlfriend - but relationship. I was madly in love with the first g/f, who we'll call Sarah, and things were great for a couple of months. Out the blue, I'm dumped while I'm still absolutely wild about her, so I was slightly depressed.
Understatement of the year - I was ****ing desolate. It took me the all of eighteen months to get over her and even now, I still think about her.
This is not a problem any more, however, I suspect there's a large part of my sub-conscious that says "It's not the same as it was with Sarah - and you know it." Nothing ever will be the same as it was with your first love, and I've accepted this, but it does make me think every now and again.
As for my current relationship, it's emotionally over for me, and it's not fair to keep my girlfriend going, but she's so crazy about me, it just seems tantamount to complete cruelty to break up with her. I can deal with guilt - I'm damn good at it, but this will be a learning curve for sure.
To wrap up, my relationships so far have been pretty awful at one point or another, with moments of good times in there as well. It's just the relationships I've missed out on that make me even more heartsick.