Letting it out. Needing too. I needed to let it out in some way. But After I did, I felt a lot better. Relieved. So this is what I wrote in the darkest of my depression. (excuse my punctuation. I wanted it to seem like I was speaking. Pausing with the periods) ]]
These tears. I'm tired of holding them in. Tired of covering it with a smile. Tired of showing you how much I'm happier without you. It's a lie. It's an illusion. It's a play.
And I'm the actress. The one who has to go everyday with that smile. Pretend like I'm not dieing. Pretend as if I can fall in love again.
That word. I can't stand. It's just a lie. Words you say cuz of the moment. But don't mean. Words you think are real. You feel as if they are. But then they just throw you away. Toss you aside. And who do I have to blame but myself. I knew you could get better. So I had to let you go. I knew I would get boring, so I need to let you explore other people. It was what was best. For you.
For me? No. I tried to fall in love again. I've tried to forget about love. I've tried to be who I was before. But I just can't. Where'd she go? The independent "I don't need a man to please me." girl I use to be. Where is she? Why can't I find her?
And no one can relate. No one has been through what you and I have been through. 3 years of my life. You were there when I needed to leave my home. When I needed someone to yell at. When I needed to break down and cry. We both tried to stay friends but our emotions got the best of us. And we got together. And now. This is exactly what I feared. I never wanted to date you. I never wanted to have these memories. Moments. None of it. Because I knew I would miss it to much. And I knew no one could make me feel this way but you.
There's always an end to a relationship. And that was ours.
Comparing other guys to you. No one can match up. Lies. If only I gave them a chance instead of pushing them away. Everyone.
So now your off, and I'm still waiting in the past. Still waiting for something I know won't come back. Why do I choose to hurt myself by staying here? I know I won't gain anything. So why do I stay in my memories? I was never like this. But you affected me so much. You were such a big part of my life. My Firsts.
My first love. They say you can never forget them. I guess its true. So I stay in the past. Hating you. Hatred for meeting you. Hatred for you being there for me. And It all builds up til I start crying. You cheated. And now I know its not true. Ha. I'm so stupid for trusting her...but she wasn't the cause of my actions. I did and said nasty things to you for believing those lies. And you still came back. And I still pushed you away
Regret. This regret I will always have to live with. I hate you for coming back to me. I hate you for being everything to me. I hate you for the love you gave me. I despise you.
So why can't I get over you?
Why can't I move on?
Why can't I ever be truly happy?
I'm the one who ended it. Your the one who was hurting. I dated others to get over you. And you just watched as I kissed someone else. Meaningless kisses. Haha. It's funny. I use to always tell you about those kisses when you were dating someone else. And how you shouldn't kiss her if you really didn't like her. It was like my motto. Ironic huh? Ha.
So it's been months. At one point you tried to kill yourself. You hurt the people around you. And I just snarled and wouldn't listen. Even though i was dieing to come back to you.
But hey I did the same. Taking it out on others that really didn't deserve it. Hurt them too, Or so it seems.
And now? No. I don't want you back. You've become a jerk. Hehe. Guess I'm the one to blame for making you act fake. For building an even harder shell around you. I broke your heart and stepped on it when your guard was down. You never let people in...and I was the first. And I shattered you.
I wish I could tell you I'm sorry. But. It's too late. I waited too long.
It's the third month since our break up. And I feel happy. Like I finally got over you. Like I finally let you go.
I walked to the mirror. Untied my ponytail. And I see tears sparkle in my eyes. And as I blinked. One fell. I touched the soft moisture. I was so happy. Why was I crying now.. Then the image of you flashed into my head.
Why can't I just forget you?